The events that have transpired and continue to manifest are making me lose hope that the good wins and evil perishes. Because honestly–this is not your run of the mill divorce. This isn’t two people who hated each other and wanted out. This isn’t emotional lashing out and words someone says in the heat of the moment and then wishes they could take back. This isn’t a person who concedes even though it makes him bitter and angry because it’s the best thing for his kids. This isn’t even a magnanimous asshole anymore…those days are over. Because, of course, he is a narcissist.
And I, as his enemy, have now become that on which he is intent on destroying, in whatever way he can. Emotionally. Financially. Through threats. Through rumors. And definitely through lies. Most if it isn’t working because, unlike him, I have quite an arsenal of support and the very huge benefit of the fact that I, myself, am not a liar or a cheater.
But really, lets take stock of this. He cheated. He left. He became nasty. He abandoned our kids in many senses of the word. He broke my heart. He flaunted all over town with his trollup. He made threats against his friends when it became clear everyone was “siding” with me.
When he realized he could not bitch me into doing what he wanted (which is preposterous in its own right, wanting me to go away, move out, and not expect any type of financial contribution) he then decided to financially prove that I cannot afford to live in my home. Despite the fact that, in the long run, it’s just going to work in my favor, he is still intent on proving that I cannot afford to live here, therefore, I should move out. Nevermind that (a) I have been a stay-at-home-mom for 10 years and was financially supported by him and (b) he has another (free!) place to live…the trollup’s house. In his mind he is right and I am wrong.
So let’s continue. He then went on to tell more lies regarding money. He lied to me about ditching one of our kids for a whole weekend (which was ironically, only his third of thirteen weekends with the kids.) He claims he is “not responsible” to financially provide for the kids because “I’m not living in the house”. Yeah, asshole, because you left us. The culmination would come to him demanding that I sign an agreement stating I would only get X dollars a week (very little), move out in two weeks (impossible).
The point of regaling all those lovely events is to demonstrate that despite all of the above, PC continues to insist that he is absolutely doing the things he’s doing to stick it to me because…I’ve ruined his life. He hates me. All of this, this nightmare we are living in, is my fault. I have ruined his life.
Now, obviously, this isn’t true. And I think I must, maybe, possibly be ahead of the game because I know this. I don’t need to learn it. He says I ruined his life for every reason in the book…because I “turned his friends against him” (correction: they left their loyalty to you at the door when you started making threats about me hanging out with them.) Because I “forced him to get married” (correction: I said I didn’t want to leave a job and a town and a life I loved to move to this town many years ago…without the promise of a future. Pretty legit. He proposed. I moved.)
Because I “won’t compromise”…sure I will. I just won’t sit down and take it in the ass in ways that would be stupid, unintelligent, and not beneficial for me. In his mind I won’t compromise because I won’t let him introduce the children to his trollup (he first proposed this less than two weeks after dumping me!) I don’t compromise because I am “not paying all the bills”…but he isn’t giving me money. That’s just simple fucking math. I won’t compromise because I won’t “move out and get a job”….that’s not how it works PC!
But the bottom line is I’ve ruined his life because I didn’t do what he wanted. Because he isn’t getting what he wants in the immediate, demanding fashion that he wants it. Because the entire situation should have gone smoothly in his head and it started falling apart before it was even presented. Because if rumors are true the Trollup is getting impatient…she wants the life he promised her. Because I won’t be bullied and back down and feed his need for power, he is throwing a tantrum of epic proportions.
I think he’s more than just a narcissist. I think he’s perhaps a psychopath, definitely an alcoholic, and who knows what else. And there really isn’t much hope to ever come to a logical conclusion other than to go through the court system and hope for justice and truth to shine brighter than lies and magnanimous statements and the devil.
It has been approximately 14 weeks since this ordeal began. Today was supposed to be a small step forward (but in my head, really big step) – a court hearing to grant me occupancy of the house as well as a number of other things that would be locked down legally like money and visitation since he cannot commit to anything consistent. When I initially asked for this I was told it was usually a short wait…but it was a 5 week wait. I was devastated and distraught. Five weeks??!!
A lot transpired in that 5 weeks. Some good (my mental state improved), some bad (his did not). But the bottom line is I crept closer and closer to the date. I remember the night I stood in my best friend’s kitchen 5 weeks ago, in tears because there was nothing I could do to make it go faster, that I was going to have to endure his torture for 35 more days and there was nothing I could do. She, in her ever gallant efforts to pick me up, said “You know what, before you know it that day will be here and you’ll see, you did make it all that time.” And that seemed impossible.
Except it did creep closer. And yesterday I thought about that conversation, and thought about tomorrow (today) and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous but also that I was ready for finally, finally a bit of karma to work out.
And then. My lawyer called. All court cases for Monday cancelled. To be rescheduled by the court. Date unknown. Literally, I was 12 hours away from some sort of vindication, however small and now its as though I’ve been set back a million miles, down a sheer cliff into raging waters that are icy and full of sharks.
I have no money. PC the Magnanimous Asshole has been particularly assholish in the past 24 hours. He wanted me to drop this hearing so much….I just think its such an ugly twist of fate that what he wanted happened. There is literally nothing I can do, yet again.
So I’m just waiting. For karma to throw me a bone. Give me a win. Anytime now would be great.