A Public Announcement


If that isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is.

My entire life has been infused with humor. Indirectly, from my grandfather. Directly, from my parents. Otherwise from my entire extended family, on both sides. From the friends I choose to keep company with. Even in my darkest hours, humor has often come forth. I distinctly remember a day, several years ago, when my sister’s newborn was being life-flighted because she took a turn for the worst. And in trying to communicate via text with my sister, mother and father, auto-correct decided to repeatedly change the word “prayer” into “paper”. It was to the point that I was typing OH MY GOD, FUCKING PRAYERS, NOT PAPER! My sister and mom were literally en route to another state not knowing if my 3 day old niece was going to be alive when they got there. And we laughed.

Last night, I made a new friend. A friend of a friend, who joined us for dinner. It was one of those funny things life throws your way, when you meet someone and you instantly adore them. It was a feel-good night in all respects. At some point I was talking about how I’ve always wanted to write a book, and now…well…I certainly have the fodder for it. But I said to the women I was with, I think for me, no matter how traumatic this situation is, I need to write about it in a humorous way. Because truly…some of the things are so outrageous one person could not possibly invent them.

Picture it… (Sicily, 1925…just kidding, couldn’t resist a nod to the Golden Girls.) Picture it…I contact the woman my husband left me for, the Trollup, in an attempt to communicate about my precious, precious children. The reason for this was PC’s threats that if I did not do what he wanted, they would be spending the weekend at the Trollup’s house. Just three months after he left, with no introduction or preparation. Since there was no legal way for me to stop this, I decided to reach out.

What transpired was a series of texts that were, in a nutshell, so blatantly ridiculous one could only laugh. They were clearly written by PC himself. This was evident in the wordage, the style of writing, the use of his favorite phrases for threatening and the fact that the message came late at night. It included a list of demands that I WOULD meet if I expected the Trollup to have a conversation with me regarding the best interests of my kids.

First, the idea that either of them would be making any demands of me is preposterous. Secondly, the fact that the Trollup (likely PC influenced) would attempt to negotiate legal and financial matters in exchange for doing the right thing for the kids is equally mind-boggling.

But the best part? The list of demands. Aside from including things such as you will accept responsibility for my debt it also included…wait for it…

You will publicly announce that PC did NOT cheat on you. 

So. Clearly we live in medieval times. I’m not sure if I am supposed to rent the town gazebo and invite everyone I know to publicly announce that my husband, who cheated on me, didn’t cheat? Or maybe I should take an ad out in the local newspaper? Or if we’re going the modern route, perhaps I should announce on my Facebook page (publicly) that my husband did not cheat.

When I read that text to my mother, she could not stop laughing. Later, when speaking to my father, we made multiple jokes “Ok…gotta go. I have to work on my public announcement.”

But this. It’s the key to surviving, isn’t it? That the shit hits the fan and keeps on spewing, but what else can you do sometimes but laugh? “Public Announcement” will go right up there with “Magnanimous Asshole” and “Pc and the Trollup” and all the other phrases that have been coined during this terrible, traumatic ordeal that isn’t even close to being over.

But. What else can you do? You laugh. You swim instead of sinking, and you suck it up. And then you go work on your public announcement.



One thought on “A Public Announcement

  1. When people win the lottery they have a certain amount of time to feel euphoria before reverting to their natural emotional state. Those who were melancholy became melancholy and those that were basically happy reverted to happiness. You stbx is going to feel he won the jackpot until the day he doesn’t. In the meantime I hope you enjoy the hell out of your life. I know you are hurt being told you are not wanted but one day you will thank her for taking him off your hands.
    I hope you have a bulldog for an attorney.
    If you haven’t found Chump Lady blog I hope you will. Those people know stuff!
    Good luck!


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