She’s Not in the NFL

All along, every time PC committed some new transgression, people would tell me he’ll get his. Every time he unleashed some new drama that bordered on insanity…every time he slung vile words at me, every time he refused to do something simple and logical for the sole purpose of screwing me over…every time. People say those words, you know them. Just wait, karma will catch up to him. I promise, the tide is turning. He can’t do this forever. He’s digging his own grave deeper and deeper.

It seems to make logical sense. The monster never wins the final battle. The good always rise. Eventually, the legal system has to catch up. It always rules in the favor of the mother. When he goes before a judge and they see what a cocky, arrogant attitude he has they will know the truth. When all of his lies catch up with him, you will be the one to walk away victorious. Except, thus far, I have been severely underwhelmed by the “legal system”. I’ve been given tiny, crumb-like tastes of karma. Every event that was supposed to bring justice to the table has been an utter disaster–from the court hearing that started with a monthlong wait, was rescheduled 3x due to freak things and eventually became obsolete. The PFA that I agreed to drop in exchange for “negotiations” that I was informed it was “unlikely” he would back out of. That it would be “foolish” for him to do so. And yet, he did. Because he could. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Or the multiple mediations and hearings to determine support where he blatantly lied about his income leaving with me with a piddling amount of support to live on while he and Trollup frolic all over on trips and dinners out and wearing their fancy designer clothes. Where I was told only so much could be done. Where he apparently was reprimanded by the judge (see, tiny little smidgen of karma) but in the end not much really happened.

Last week was supposed to be the big win. The culmination of finally, finally calling him out in a courtroom on all of the things he’s done, specifically regarding to custody. The ways he uses the children as pawns. The way he dumps them off on Trollup while he sleeps off his hangover. The way he refuses to take our daughter to specific things for no reason other than he doesn’t have to, and he doesn’t want to. He was in contempt of custody on nearly 15 of 30 points. The months and months of documenting everything and saving every goddamn text message was finally, finally going to pay off.

Except, it didn’t. Not in the way I expected. There wasn’t enough time to truly depict the extent of his shortcomings. There was no way to really include that he is nasty and verbally abusive towards me–that that in itself is huge part of the issues we have with custody. Only two of the fifteen or so texts I was told to bring along were included and by themselves, they didn’t show much. His lawyer hammered me on one specific point that made me look like I was being a nitpicking bitch. PC blatantly lied, and when caught in his lies copped an attitude–this may have been my only “win”–enough so that the judge gave him a look.  He also made a comment, when asked as to why he could not take his daughter to cheerleading, that, She’s 6. She’s not in the NFL. The faces of the people in the courtroom were hard to ignore. And so that was a win, in some ways.

But overall? The judge charged him in contempt. What was the punishment/consequence, you ask? Why, nothing. No fine, no jail time, no revision of custody, not even a stern warning. We had asked for legal fees but, nope. NONE of this would be necessary if he’d just cooperate, follow the order, and communicate. And I had to drop a gazillion dollars just to have a judge tell him what everyone else has been telling him all along…”follow the order”. Like that’s going to make him?

And then the judge proceeded to lecture both of us that we needed to learn to communicate…I just wanted to cry. I wanted to grab that man’s face and scream listen to me! Let me explain this! But that’s not how it works in court. There were 8 similar cases before and after us, and no one cares. To the judge, I am certain I just looked like a bitter ex-wife.

What else transpired? Oh we have to go to co-parent counseling. So THAT’S just great. Let’s all imagine how that’s going to go…counseling with a person who is abusive, narcissistic, and a pathological liar. It may be a defeatist attitude but I already feel as though I will walk in there, he will spin his lies, I will try to explain and at the end of the day will be told I need to learn how to communicate with him even if he is an asshole. As the PFA judge told me, “you can’t sue someone for being mean to you.” The difference between “being mean” and what PC does is so far apart they aren’t even in the same realm.

Oh yeah. And I have to pay for half of this counseling program. That wouldn’t even be necessary if PC was just “mean” instead of a narcissistic, psychopath, sociopath pathological lying manipulative alcoholic.

See why I’m feeling a bit bitter?

So now I wait. Wait and see if PC starts behaving. So far, he has been but its only been a few days. Oh and he still refuses to take our daughter to her activities (despite the judge compelling him to!!) but has agreed that he will allow me to take her on his weekends. So while this is great that she gets to go, the big gaping wound is still there…that he wasn’t forced to be a part of his child’s life. That my kid is still the one whose dad can’t be bothered to come watch her at a game that is right down the road from his house.

But therein lies the fundamental difference between us. I would never do that to my daughter. Even to stick it to PC. I would never miss my kid’s events. Even though attending soccer games, something I love and used to look forward to, has become a stomach twisting anxiety fest thanks to the fact that I must endure not just PC but Trollup who takes on the role of the coach’s girlfriend with great gusto, handing out picture forms and calling parents to inform them of schedule changes. When I go and she’s not there, at least there is only one of them to deal with. But the point is, I go. Even though it’s just as uncomfortable as it would be for PC to go to our daughter’s things and be around all of my friends.

So no, revenge (victory, karma, whatever) hasn’t been particularly sweet. In fact I’d say its downright bitter. The day after this court hearing, at soccer. Yes he was charged in contempt. But still, there we were. Still with him walking right by me as if I’m invisible. Still with Trollup displaying no shame fawning all over her man while his wife is across the field. Still being forced to stand in a circle after the game with them, our children, and Trollup’s ex husband…and then I walk off to my car with the sounds of my kids frolicking in the background. Look in my rearview mirror to see him with his arm around her, both of them laughing with her ex. One big happy family.

Is this karma? I know the end goal is to get along for the kid’s sake but my god. There has to be some universal punishment for the things he’s said and done. I just cannot wrap my mind around it that a person can continue to just be…so horrible, with no repercussions. And in a few weeks he will take Trollup to what was our yearly vacation. In a way its fucked up…if I were Trollup I wouldn’t want to do that. I wouldn’t want to go the same place my boyfriend took his ex-wife for years. I know my kids are going to miss me being there. Miss the group we used to take with us.

So maybe karma will pop in that weekend. Maybe Trollup will hate it and maybe he will be miserable. I’m not sure that my bitterness would be quelled by a big dosing heap of NFL level karma but, shit. Anything would be better than this.


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