Its Out There

 

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I’m not even sure that I should write what I am about to write…because its something that no one knows except for me, and it should probably stay that way. But…I am a writer and so that is where my feelings come together and explain themselves to my mind. Therapy, clarity…whatever you want to call it.

So, as noted previously, a year has past. Of course, the “anniversary” if you want to call it that was peppered with nasty texts from PC. Nastiness with no basis that leaves me wondering if he just sits around all day searching for things that can hurt me. In this particular exchange he informed me (likely falsely) that Trollup was now his fiancé so I better sign those divorce papers, stat. He then threw in you can’t even get a boyfriend. Really, you need to move on because I’m gone. Thanks, PC. I wish you were gone but no, you’re still there, turning spiteful texts into an art form.

I won’t say that that comment didn’t hit a nerve. Because, yeah. A whole year and nothing. According to others, I’m not ready, or at least, I was not ready before. According to people close to me, its blatantly obvious that I am closed off and distrustful. It was advised to me that I “put myself out there” but fuck if that doesn’t feel desperate when you’re 39 and you live in a small town.

Still, my mind goes places. I feel myself wanting to emerge from this role as “jilted wife” to “single”. I feel myself wishing I had company, romance. Sex. Anything. So why is it so hard for me to open myself up, to be receptive? Maybe its because my stock of suitors thus forth has been one creepy dude and a friend that is just never going to happen. Then there was someone who I connected with on a very basic level, I would say we are friends, and part of me thinks…maybe. Because he’s nice and genuine and very kind to me. But then I think of all the reasons it would never work, because there are many. And then I think, oh what’s the harm in just being friends? Maybe down the road?

But then.

I had a chance encounter with a stranger. I’m going to do the vague thing here, but from the moment I met this person, in a bar of all clichéd things, I felt a deep, intense attraction. Not just a physical attraction but beyond that. As the evening wore on and I delved into conversation that feeling intensified. I have no idea of this is something that was on my end or something mutually unspoken or maybe it was just the wine. All I know is I wanted to keep talking to this person all night. But, of course, this person is a non-possibility for a million reasons and that’s that. Enough so that I will likely make it a point to never run into him again.

So what is my take away from this? In a few short hours I learned something very important. I do not want to go on dates and have frivolous relationships. I don’t want meaningless sex. I don’t want to settle. What do I want? I want that spark, that feeling. Chemistry. Attraction. Kindness. Conversation. Fireworks. I want all these thoughts that are balled up inside of me to present themselves with a viable option. I’ve joked that I have three criteria for prospective significant others. No alcoholics. No psychopaths. No ugly people.

And now I’ll add another one. Must be able to make me feel like I did last night, like I wanted to keep that momentum going. And not to sound like a Nicholas Sparks novel, but it exists. That connection, like you already know someone in your soul before you know them on earth.

That’s what I want–along with a non-alcoholic, non-psychopath, attractive person. (What? Is that really asking too much?) And I won’t soil that feeling I had by drawing this post back to PC, because there are whole galaxies between his toxicity and the feeling of magic.

But of the many things to be thankful for on this day, sometimes its the little, subtle, unspoken things that come at just the right moment. So thank you, PC, for setting me free. Thank you for the opportunity to experience this magic in my life, because you sure as hell didn’t give it to me. I was deluded if I thought what you and I had was love. And I know that somewhere out there, that exists for me in the form of the right person, at the right time. And thank you, random stranger, for reminding me what that feels like. For reminding me not to settle for less than that ever again.

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