Survive. And this….
As I mentioned in my “One Year” post a few weeks back, I published a book. And now I’m going to shamelessly use my divorce/narcissitic/cheater blog to promote it. Because, why not?
Its a fictional coming of age tale of two sisters. It has nothing to do with my current situation. Its available on Amazon in Kindle and paperback edition.
Now that I’m done with that, it brings me to another point. In a year and then some, a lot has stagnated and yet…a lot has come full circle. Starting with, I published a book, something the 8 year old me clacking away on a turquoise typewriter in the 1980’s dreamed of. There was never anything holding me back from doing this, but for whatever reason I let PC’s control over me prevent me from taking leaps of faith. No more.
Next, I realize more and more and more how thankful I am that I am no longer with him. Every single time I am forced to deal with him (which is daily thanks to the kids, co-parent counseling with its a 3-ring circus, and attempting to sell our marital home) I am reminded of how blessed I am to not have to deal with him for the rest of my life, at least not as my husband. I am completely free of him…as in, he has no control in my thoughts, my future, my plans, my dreams. He has no bearing on my decision to get up early and drink coffee in peace, to stay up late bundled up outside with wine and the moon, to take an afternoon off and just enjoy my children, to let my dog sleep in my bed.
Somewhere, over the many years, I completely lost me and became PC’s Wife. I was my children’s mother, yes, but my starring role in my own life was as his wife. Being his wife and being myself were not compatible…no wonder I was so subconsciously unhappy. Somewhere, over the past 54 weeks, I’ve managed to reclaim me. And not in some glorious self-realization, but slowly, in a raw and gritty type of way. Through tears and facing fears and terrible feelings.
Because the truth is, life is messy. Life is messy in terrible ways. Perhaps I was just so removed from anything “bad” before that I didn’t internalize it the way I do now. Every which way one turns, you see, someone else’s life is unfolding. People are leaving people, dying suddenly, becoming ill. No one is immune. I think I always knew this…I was always worried and I guess waiting for something “bad” to happen because my life seemed pretty tranquil. Thank God it was PC cheating and leaving. This year has been ugly, trying, and downright miserable at times…but in the end it will be biggest gift of my life.
For you see, in the seams of the messy, vulnerable, dark cloud parts of life emerge the strongest fabrics of ourselves. The people who surround you and pick you up. The ones who play different roles, all of them important. The walls that come down when you have no choice but to rely on others. The closeness that congeals and forms when those walls are down. And then: the laughter that returns. That even in the midst of people dying, divorces, verbal threats, financial strains, and the crippling realization that this is a ways from being over…even in the midst of that, if you’ve got family and friends, you are richer than you know.
And beneath that: survival. I distinctly remember each day my sweet friend concluding our nighttime text therapy session with “Well, you made it another girlfriend” or “You survived the day again”. She doesn’t say that anymore, despite the drama that still remains. Why? I’m not sure except, perhaps, survival became a given. I’ve learned to desensitize myself, to pick and choose when to react (okay, there’s a learning curve with that!) and to focus on the immediate future, not the millions of “what-ifs” that still keep me up at night (again, learning curve).
You haven’t knocked me down yet, PC.