Bitter, Party of One

So there are a lot of things to be noted about today.

  1. Its Valentine’s Day. No matter how you feel about it, you’re sure to be smothered with signs of people everywhere proclaiming their love by way of roses, dinners out, or cute pictures of heart shaped pancakes or in the case of my lovely friend Nick, a heart shaped meatloaf (let’s give the girl props for that.)
  2. Today, I realized that for whatever reason (systematic glitch? purposeful intent?) I have not been receiving my child and spousal support. The fun way I found out about this is when my checking account bounced after buying $68 worth of groceries. Of course, as my case worker informed me, this is NOT the fault of PC, but rather of his employer. Whatever.
  3. Meanwhile, today, PC and Trollup set forth on a plane to…Mexico. Let’s recap. Me: no money for groceries. PC…taking a vacation to an all-inclusive resort with his mistress. Can’t pay child support but can take a week off of work to travel to a tropical destination.
  4. And, finally, communication from PC this morning, before he boarded his plane for paradise, copying both me and the co-parent counselor. In his email, he announced he would not be continuing the counseling because we’ve changed and both moved on.

6972992834_b978ac37e5

I try, people. I really, really, really try. I’ve come so far in 15 months and with every part of my being I am grateful for the things in my life that are blessings. My children, my family. My lovely friends. My integrity and my authenticity. My sweet little home. The blessings that have come with the absence of PC…not being married to an asshole. Its better to be literally alone than to be alone with someone. The freedom of doing whatever I want.

But sometimes? Some days? It’s really hard not to swallow the bitter pill. Not to feel pissed the fuck off. Not to want to kick a wall and yell “it’s not fair!” Because its not fair. Yes, this is my lot in life. Yes, it could be much worse. Yes, I’m better off. But still. I’m spending Valentine’s day alone (not alone, you know…kids) but with myself for all intents and purposes. Social media is full of gag-worthy posts of rose bouquets and fancy dinners and “I love you” messages. PC is vacationing south of the border for V-day.

Did he ever take me on a tropical vacation? Well, to be fair, we did travel quite a bit. But to be equally fair, our travels often centered around something HE wanted to do: a concert in a destination-point locale. A fishing trip. A work conference that might happen to be in a fun and exciting city. But also…PC is able to take this vacation with his Trollup because they both have exes to wrangle the kids for a week. Did I mention he didn’t ask? Just “informed” me.

Also, to be fair, in my life as PC’s wife Valentine’s Day was nearly always disappointing. I never made any secret that I would have loved flowers, and PC never held back on his point of not getting me flowers because “they just die anyhow”. Honestly, I think he didn’t get me flowers just to be a dick. So what did we do for V-day? Well, we spent many a February 14th out to dinner but that wasn’t really special. We ate out frequently as it was. I really didn’t (don’t?) care about Valentine’s Day but he never, ever did anything. He never took advantage of a Hallmark holiday to express his feelings…but he can take Trollup to another country.

So yeah, bitter.

I’m writing to pull myself out of it. Get it off my chest. Because the bottom line is despite my general irritation today, I woke up this morning to a very wild-looking 6-year-old climbing into my bed, complete with death-breath and a homemade “I love you Mommy” piece of notebook paper. I volunteered in the same child’s class for the Valentine’s Party, and I am not unaware that such experiences are soon to be ending (as evidenced by my 10-year-old’s eye rolls when I forced him to do valentines for his class.)

I cooked dinner, which isn’t a totally rare occurence, but this was a nice little meal of roast turkey, stuffing and brussels. My 6-year-old set the table (complete with paper heart name cards and reeses pieces for dessert) and my 10 year old gagged over the turkey but washed the dishes without complaint. We rented a movie and snuggled on the couch and conversed over our mutual love of Johnny Depp (aka Johnny Death according to my kids). Would a significant other be nice? Yeah. Would a delivery of a dozen roses or a fancy dinner out be nice? Yep. Am I annoyed that a year ago on V-day I was sure by now I would at the very least have a date? For sure. But would any of that “complete” my life?

The answer is, at this time, no. So tonight its a side of bitter with my wine, but I’m going to force myself to release it. So what if PC is in vacationing abroad (where he will hopefully pick up a parasite)? I’m here with two amazing little beings that he doesn’t even appreciate a 10th as much as he should.

So…final thought:

7834b182f95fad644d2345e1f12dae35

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s