This is me. How I’ve learned to control my mind and my thoughts like a magician, and rise above petty bullshit. This is me quieting my thoughts and attaining inner peace in a world where PC and Trollup can no longer affect me.
It’s been a weary week folks, on top of a weary month that followed several quiet months (thanks to PC’s radio silence) which followed a year of trauma, abuse and non-stop drama. Nice trifecta, huh?
I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of PC, and I’m tired of Trollup. I’m tired of watching her live what was once my life. Let me explain: I’m not reverting to some crazy realization that I wish I was still in that life: far from it. And I’m not even saying that I don’t get it that people move on, life marches on, and yes, eventually in a small town you’re going to run into your ex and his new girlfriend. Its none of that.
Its the audacity of that woman, to walk into places that are like churches to me. In particular, to the place I’ve spent nearly every weekend since my children were born. To the place that, once we are divorced, I will likely be unable to afford. So yeah: I’m going to keep going there right now. Yes, I’m going to take my children and yes I’m going to sit with my friends and yes I’m going to swim and laugh and absorb every last drop out of summer. Because I can.
I’ve put up with a lot from Trollup. We’ve exchanged words now and then but for the most part, its been civil. Because it has to be. But if one were to list the facts, the list of things that the Trollup took from me, did to me and my children is deplorable.
She carried on an affair with my husband, at the same time as she stood in my house and chatted about our children beginning kindergarten. That’s low.
She moved my husband into her house just days after he left. She went to public places with him, places he used to take me, places that I loved. With not an ounce of shame or recognition that it was disrespectful.
She is the catalyst that broke up my family.
She is a person who found it within her rights to tell me how to raise my children, to give me examples of what she does with her child, and completely and utterly fail to see the difference.
She a person who, seemingly, is completely okay with the things that PC says and does to me. The way he treats his children. The way he has systematically pissed off or offended or had an altercation with every single person in this town. The way not just one or two of his friends backed away from him, but all of them. All this time, we all say, she must realize? How can she not see? My theory on that is that she can see, but she’s in too deep, and he’s likely mind-fucking her just like he did to me.
After this weekend though, I’ve changed my mind. For all her fake niceness, polite words, uncomfortably sitting next to me at soccer games I’ve come to the conclusion that she is no better than he is. Throughout all of this, I have been tolerant. I have my thoughts but I do not speak them to her, not to her face and not over text. I express my frustration with carefully chosen words and I’ve let a hell of a lot of shit go, and sometimes?
Sometimes you just snap. I am only a human being. But when the woman your husband left you for walks into YOUR PLACE, a place she does not belong, signs in using YOUR NAME, and when people complain about it calls PC who comes to said place to verbally berate me in front of people (really all you did was confirm what a fucking asshole you are there, PC)? When she does that, on a beautiful summer Friday when I simply wanted to enjoy the last few hours with my kids before I had to hand them over to them?
Yes, I’m gonna snap a little. And when I find out you took it upon yourself, Trollup, to walk over to my children and tell them “sorry I couldn’t talk to you today, your Mom caused a big issue” which not only confused them but also enlightened them to yet another grown up problem that had nothing to do with them. When you pull my kid in like that, Trollup, yeah. I’m going to snap more.
I texted her, told her I didn’t appreciate that, and ended my text with “you should be ashamed of yourself.” That was my version of snapping. No insults, no curse words. And she proceeded, much like PC does, to argue with me, switch the topic to other manners, tell me I should be ashamed of MYself (for “starting an issue”) and to inform me that PC is her finance and thus she has every right to use our marital membership to a swimming pool.
No, you fucking don’t. But that wasn’t my point. My point was, on top of all that, you have zero, negative zero rights to speak to my child the way you did. The only reason to do that was to stir the pot, to make me look bad to my kids. You completely glossed over that and went on and on to insinuate that you are engaged and I should move on and “you know the courts will move a divorce faster if one person is engaged”…okay. Fucking great Trollup!!!! Move them along. Did your boyfriend tell you that? Did he also tell you he’s flat out refusing to cooperate with anything and paints the image of a greedy child in a corner holding all of his candy and shouting Mine! Mine! Except the candy is money and the child is a 40 year old adult.
Trollup then turned to attacking my best friend, telling me she knows “things” about her that I do not and therefore I must like “keeping my enemies close”. That was laughable at best, pathetic at worst and at that point I bowed out gracefully of our conversation. My best friend and I will get mileage, tons of mileage, out of speculating about what the mysterious “things” are that Trollup knows about. Because the only things Trollop knows about my BFF are whatever PC has told her. And he is the master of making up lies and attempting to ruin reputations.
The following day was just as much of a shit show at the pool.
It included PC’s looming smirk, Trollup talking about me to others while I was right there, my children not being “allowed” to come over to me, my daughter’s friends being told she couldn’t play with them (really? PC what the fuck? Now you’re going to say that your 6 year old can’t swim with her best friend since birth? Way to start fucking up her social life before its even begun.)
Everyone says to let it go. Rise above. Transcend. Ignore. Understand that nothing matters except how you conduct yourself. And I tried. I tried so hard but when I watch my little girl march by me holding Trollup’s hand and her head down, likely having been told not to speak to me, her mother, I cannot help but feel such a deep sadness in my heart. Trollup slops sunscreen on her and PC tosses her around in the water like they are some big happy family but they forget: that is my daughter. I know everything about her and we are connected in our souls. They claim my kids don’t come talk to me because they don’t like you. When really, my daughter is sad and afraid.
Tell me how to transcend that, all of you wise people. I spoke to a close friend recently who’s father was dismissive and neglectful towards her as a child, much in the manner of PC. She is 40 and successful in life she still, to this day, is angry at her father for not recognizing what she needed as a little girl: attention and love. She still, decades later, is fucked up from that. And this too, makes my heart hurt.
So yeah, Trollup, you took my children’s stability.
But, in the manner of transcending…
You took away a terrible, controlling, and abusive husband. Plucked him right out of my house and into yours.
You took a huge source of anxiety and toxic air out of my life. You eliminated my daily, hourly even, task of arranging everything I did around PC.
You took my home, in a manner. But it pushed me into my real home, which was something I never even knew was missing. This house is cloaked in peace.
You brought a hell of a lot of adversity but in the end: that will go away. It has to go away, eventually. Or rather, in the wise words of the sweet, intelligent elderly gentleman friend at the pool, it won’t go away. But when I learn to truly ignore, to truly transcend (lets be honest, I don’t even know what the fuck that is but I really love the concept) only then will I achieve this peace I so desperately crave. After all, he said, what did my anger and frustration from the day before result in? Nothing. Trollup was not kicked out, Trollup did not leave my space. But it did bring drama and it did bring PC with his ugly black storm cloud into my physical space.
So yes, transcend. Rise above. The adversity will remain, but how I handle it, how I conduct my reactions, will set the tone for how my life will flow. This sounds great in theory, great in my head but I sure as hell don’t know how to do this.
So today I write. I wrote of Trollup, and of PC, and I’m letting this latest storm of events be just another chapter in this book of my fucked up life. Today breaks new and my children will be home tonight. I have ten glorious hours on a hot summer day to do anything I want. So I am choosing, if you will, to not allow PC and Trollup to take up that space in my head.
Because, quite frankly, they’ve already taken enough.