Once in a great while, you stop for a minute and realize that just like that, everything has changed.
I’m not sure what happened. I didn’t hit a breaking point. I didn’t have a miraculous win. I haven’t had closure or absolution and unfortunately, I am still a long way away from being divorced. I have custody issues to deal with and my kids are struggling. I am still poor as fuck and this stupid anti-depressant-induced weight gain is hanging around uninvited.
In essence, not much has changed.
However, something in me has shifted. I don’t know when or where or how, but it has. I can’t even articulate it properly. Descriptions that come to mind don’t seem to convey it. A switch flipped? That indicates that I did something deliberately. The monster finally laid down to rest? That indicates that PC and the insanity of my divorce have gone away (negative). Karma has finally made a long-awaited appearance? Nope.
Over the past several weeks its been commented to me that you seem different. Several comments about how great I look which, while flattering, can’t exactly be attributed to my physical appearance because I look the same. You seem lighter. You’re glowing. You rounded a corner.
There is a lot that occurred in the past few weeks, some minor and some not. I went out a few weeks ago to a concert, something I haven’t done in a long time. Something about the power of live music (emphasis on the “live” part…a Meatloaf cover band is all it was) and dancing and being in a crowd of happy, also dancing, people just had my adrenaline going. I had debated even going, due to money and concerns about being out til one in the morning, but both of those things were worth how happy I felt.
Then, I turned 40. Yes, 40. And a whole myriad of things seemed to happen on that day. My friend Bonnie kept telling me new decade, new start and how it was a symbolism of a fresh start. One by one the birthday wishes and sentiments began to roll in and the day started with friends, continued with celebration, and ended up in my happy zone—my back porch—with an unexpected guest who completely capped off a wonderful birthday.
But the fun wasn’t over. Besides being my birthday, and being a milestone, it was also a full moon and of course, what do a bunch of closet hippies do when it’s a full moon? We have a moon party. It was a Buck Moon and a lunar eclipse as well; the short version hinges on the idea of giving all of your negative energy and thoughts to the moon and to charge yourself with its light. Its all about fresh starts and new beginnings and good luck.
So. A handful of grown women, one child, one psychic/medium, a lot of sage, quite a bit of wine, moon water and a little drum playing and damn if we didn’t all feel like a million bucks by the end of the night. And I truly mean that.
The next day I walked into the pool, already having been alerted that PC and the Trollup were there, and I walked right by them and I just didn’t care. I just. Did. Not. Care. I said hello to my babies without feeling that familiar physical anxiety that revs up when I am in close physical proximity to either of them. I went about my day and at least a dozen times crossed paths with PC or Trollup. I simply did not care.
I’m not sure if I have just gotten to a point where I just can’t do the drama and negative energy anymore. I’m not sure it it’s the moon magic, or some things I may or may not have lined up for my working future that have allowed me to sigh a big breath of relief. Or the final piece of the puzzle, a friendship that seemed to appear out of nowhere, like a gift dropped into my lap. Its not often that you go from barely knowing someone to sitting and talking for hours, to feeling as though you can’t wait to hang out again, in a zone that is so easy and so eloquently delicious that it almost blows you away.
So whatever its called…turning a corner, moving on, letting go. Something has infused itself in me and it tastes so sweet and just…right. My journey is far from over but I keep looking back—not in a bad way—but in a sort of “comparing to my life now” way and it just feels so foreign. All of that strife and negativity and toxic misery that was my daily life and how hard I tried to milk something shining and beautiful out of it….good God that seems so crazy now.
And on this side of line, beauty is everywhere and all I have to do is reach out and grab it.