Two Years

When this blog was born, it was at first simply an outlet. It was never intended to be more than just a journal of sorts, a way to get all of my feelings into a concrete structure of words strung together. When I flip back to the beginning, I am equal parts reminded how desolate that time was, and also, how…flippant (?) I was.

I am not sure if that’s the right word. Naïve, perhaps? I wrote of the things PC was doing with a bit of humor. As if I was telling a wild tale of someone’s outlandish behavior that we would all look back on one day and laugh, remember the time when PC was a total nutcase and tried to tell you he was going to live in the basement/keep the house/get custody of the kids? As if that time were something that had a precise beginning, middle, and end. As if PC’s insanity was something that was limited to the winter of 2016-2017 and would fade into the past with all of the other bad memories.

Except, here we are 2 years later. Over time, the tune of my writing changed and it was really about me. This blog was about my life, my story, my transformation: which, as it turns out, is quite slow and muddled. PC was no longer the focus. The Plumber made a stunning debut but he is also on the backburner and I’m really not sure if he will be making guest appearances or if that ship has sailed.

Last night, I found myself in my dear friend’s kitchen, which is exactly where I was two years ago. Two years ago, the weather was balmy–now, we are buried in snow. Two years ago, she was frantically calling in the troops while I stood frozen, sobbing, a cigarette clutched in my shaky hands. Two years ago, PC had just ended our marriage in one fell swoop and was about to unleash every inner demon he possessed upon me.

Two years later, everything is different for me. Where I live, what I do, how I exist. And for him? Well, nothing has really changed. The insanity I spoke of, what much of the beginning of this blog focused on, continues. In the past week alone PC has done the following:

  • Wanted to bring our children back to me less than an hour after taking them because of a health issue. Said health issue was clearly–again–the fault of my neglect as a mother.
  • Had his Trollup once again call The Plumber’s ex-wife to report things about me that are not true. Because clearly we are living in middle school here.
  • Stopped my health insurance. While technically within his rights, neither he nor his stellar mommy felt the need to tell me.
  • Has been spotted twice on Friday nights, two hours after picking up our children for his weekends, at a bar, alone, with a drink in hand.
  • Started the process of our oldest child applying to a very expensive and also very amazing private school. Did not consult me prior to this.
  • Stated in multiple venues that he would finance private school.
  • Tentatively danced a line of then asking me to pay for some of it (which I cannot…which he knows).
  • After our child visited the school several times and now has his heart set on it…PC retracted his offer to pay for it unless I signed the divorce papers. No divorce, no private school.
  • Proceeded to tell me that this was all my fault because you don’t understand what’s involved. This is not an opportunity for you to be a socialite. We are not going to be paying for your pleasures. You are not letting us be part of the process.

I’m still scratching my head on that one.  First, there is no “us”…I don’t care what world you and Trollup live in, but she is not a decision maker in our 11 year old’s education. Two, not letting you be part of the process? You began the process, jackass. Three, you have stated from the start you would handle it financially and I said “Okay, because that’s the only way it can happen”. And then you pull that rug out and use it as a threat.

(Also, apparently the fact that I spoke to and laughed with the other parents during the visitation night means I am “socialite” with “pleasures”. Good to know. Here I thought I was just one parent networking with other parents who are also considering private school.)

I should have known that would happen. It falls right into line with his behavior: threats and always, always holding money over my head. He has repeatedly stated, over the past two years but especially the past few months, that he will do x, y, z (not sue you for custody, do what the counseling lady says, pay for private school) IF, and only if, I sign the divorce papers without a settlement. To break it down to the simplest of terms, he will be a good dad and a nice person if I divorce him with no money.

The difference here is that you pulled the kids into it, PC. In particular one very sensitive and intelligent kid, who you made this amazing opportunity available to, who you led to believe this is really going to happen, and now you’re going to take it away from him to hurt me. And if I know you, you will tell him that its all my fault. He won’t believe you, not inside where it counts, and all you will have accomplished is disappointing him. And hurting me, which was your goal all along.

I hope that somewhere in your horrible heart, that that was tormenting you on Friday night, a night before the 2 year anniversary of you abandoning your family. I hope, as you sat at the bar sipping your drink and glowering at my good friend, who I am sure you knew was telling me you were there….I hope you were tormented by your failures. Meanwhile, I was missing my children, who were (I assume) in a house with the Trollup while their father sat at a bar.

So in two years, nothing has changed for you PC. You’re still an asshole. You’re still trying to fight with me over money. You’re still threatening me. You’re still harassing me. You’re still using our children to hurt me. You’re still abandoning your family (your new one, which includes another child and Trollup, the woman you just bought a house with and plan to marry) to sit at a bar alone and speak to no one. You’re still lying, constantly.

I distinctly remember you saying you were leaving me because I deserve to be happy. How’s that working out for you?

And how is that working out for me? In two years…am I happy? Certainly not. I am free of PC, and despite my previous post, that freedom is priceless, or rather…it will be. But you imploded all of our lives. Being so financially destitute is a major struggle. Its been manageable thanks to help from family and the belief that I was going to walk away from this marriage with what I deserved financially. Now that its become clear that will not be the case, not even close…well, that’s crushing. No, money cannot buy happiness…but you certainly can’t live without it.

The biggest misconception is that two years ago I assumed that this whole thing was an event with an ending. The divorce looms close to wrapping up…but this, this dealing with PC and his evil insanity, dealing with my children’s constant hurt, and having to somehow, some way communicate with him in order to get the kids to adulthood…its overwhelmingly constant. PC may just fade into the background of my life eventually…but its going to take years. Years.

And we are just two years in…

 

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